JP ShawPray for Jacob
That is my son. My heart. My angel above. Jacob is 8 and he is my first born. When I was pregnant with him I was so thrilled to be having a baby, I could barely contain myself. And when he arrived a void in me was filled. And for the past 8 years I've had the privilege of watching Jake grow, through all the colds, ear infections and illnesses. Through all the skate board tricks and dirt bike jumps. Through all the scrapes and bruises, the laughter and tears to watching him blossom with each moment into becoming one of the most unique, fun, energetic and lovely human beings I know. I have the privilege of being his mom.
But along with the joys of motherhood come the nightmares that can crop up out of nowhere. The ones that leave you screaming at night with a cold sweat where you dare to imagine something being wrong with the little person you helped bring into the world.
Today was such a nightmare for me.
Last night Jake came inside after we took him to the doctors for an ear infection. He wasn't feeling too great. He wanted a cuddle, so of course I obliged. I leaned over and gave him a hug, my hand resting on his chest. Instantly I pulled my hand back as though it had been burnt. Something didn't feel right.
We discovered a lump.
Not just a lump, but Jacob's chest was swollen. There was no divider between his breasts on his breast bone. It was almost as if the bone itself had fused together to create one bone, and it stuck out, protruding more on the left side over his heart.
Of course fear instantly bombed me. I cannot help it. My brain always, instantly thinks the worse. CANCER... LUPUS ... CRONES ... something big and bad. And it was then I remembered Jake telling me that the previous week he had an episode at school where he had trouble breathing. What bothered me more though was he seemed to be in no pain, the bone in his chest just seemed out of place.
We took Jake immediately the following morning to the ER in Abbotsford. We got there at 10:30 in the morning and it was there we sat until 4:00 in the afternoon. (Don't get me started on our health care) a blog story for another time.
We got into the check up room where we waited another half hour before finally seeing a doctor. I don't know what I was expecting, what he would say. I guess I figured he'd tell me it's okay, nothing to worry about and I was just overreacting.
He didn't say that.
Instead he sent Jake for x-rays and did a full blood work up. He said he wanted to check his Thymus, though he didn't feel it could be that. He wanted to check his white blood cells, which scared me because my brain was thinking Cancer. Mostly he agreed with me that the bone was sticking out in an unusual way and it was close to his heart and worried him a bit and needed to be looked at.
Not what I wanted to hear.
We waited. Poor Jacob hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. He was cold, hungry and frightened. We passed the time playing I-spy with my little eye something uhhhh white... which kept us busy. We did puzzles and word searches. But mostly we just sat and talked. Just he and I--about life, what he enjoyed about school, what he liked about me and what I liked about him. Until the results came back.
The x-rays showed the breast bone was bowing out as though something was pushing on it. There seemed to be a mass or something maybe under it, but he couldn't see from the x-ray what it was or what could be causing the problem. His white blood cell count was normal thank God. But two of his blood tests came back abnormal and high for inflammation. The doctor then scheduled an immediate CT scan which is set for tomorrow morning. We couldn't get it sooner.
All in all Jake is now going to be referred to Children's Hospital. Tomorrow we will get the CT scan which will hopefully show us if anything what is wrong and why his breast bone is being pushed further out of his chest.
Jacob hates hospitals. He's spent the past two years watching his brother dive in and out of them, due to the fact our littlest guy almost 2 years now (TRACE) has Cerebral Palsy and is a patient at Children's. Jake has gone through the worries with us, part of the family, we are close and share our feelings and face things together.
But this... this is different. Jake is MY FIRST.
It's not that Trace isn't as important to me. I guess along the way however I've gotten used to something being wrong with my baby. Trace does Ortho with Child Development, speech therapy, needs orthodics and well--basically since birth he's been sickly. I love him of course to pieces but love him with all his disabilities just the same.
Same goes for my husband (Corey) who sustained a severe brain injury when he was only 18 and basically has the memory of a (teetsy fly) he calls it. I know his limitations. I know how his disability affects him. I know what to do, just like I do with Trace.
But Jake--Jake has always pretty much been healthy. Having something wrong with him, not knowing what it is-- Well let's just say I'm tearless now after crying so much. I don't want there to be anything wrong. I don't want him to be sick. I don't want to lose him.
I became a single mother with Jake when he was only a year and half old, before meeting my husband. Jake and I spent four years together on our own. We have this saying where he and I put our hands together and then our heads, and I say "you and me" and Jake replies "Home team." If it weren't for Jake I don't think I would have made it through the separation or enjoyed my life as much as I have being his mom.
Now-- Now I'm fearful-- for him.
I could spend countless hours worrying. I could cry for days over not knowing. I know I could. I'm built that way. But I also know it's not healthy for either Jake-Corey-Trace or I if I do. I mean I'm the rock. Or that's what my boys call me.
"Mum you are the one who takes care of us."
"Mum you are the one who makes us laugh when we need it most."
"Mum you are the one who is always there."
And I am. Honestly, I am--24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in the lowest paying job with what I believe have the highest paying perks. I get to love my boys. I mean what could be better than that?
"Mommy, I'm scared. What if something is really wrong with me?"
I stare at Jake as we are about to leave the hospital and I put up my hand. Jake grins because at 8 years old he remembers what it means, and though I know he feels kinda silly doing it. He places his hand inside mine, lacing his fingers with mine, and he leans in as our heads touch.
We stare at one another.
"You and me," I whisper to him with all the love a mother has for the first child she helped bring into the world. The first child she bathed and changed, and cuddled and loved. The child who she prays will one day see the light of becoming a man, getting married and having his own beautiful little angels to worry about.
Jake stares at me. A small tear leaves his eye and trickles down his cheek. "Home team," he replies his voice almost cracking. Then he looks up at me, almost my height now so he doesn't have to look far. "Now what do we do?" He asks me.
Tears in my own eyes. I grab Jake with Trace and Corey waiting for us outside the emergency room. I pull Jake into my arms and I hold him--tight.
It's not close enough. It will never be close enough I think to myself as I try to regain the storm of emotions raging through me. "Now," I say to him still holding on tight. "Now we pray."
I know my words may not bring Jake all the comfort he needs. I know this. I didn't say don't worry. I didn't say it is nothing to worry about. Maybe I should have. Maybe I should have put on a brave face, hid my emotions and my fear. But I couldn't. I'm not built that way. Besides what I said to Jake was nothing more than just the truth.
Why?
Because all we can do now IS pray. Pray that everything will be all right.
(Thank you for listening)
JP
Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity
hugs, Tammy
Sassy Ink Author
Parent Writer
Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity
hugs, Tammy
Sassy Ink Author
Parent Writer
Our littlest guy Trace who's two is going for an MRI on the 15th of March. He turns two on the 11th. He's getting it done because he has CP (brain injury). I hope for you it's nothing too serious and I'm sorry your health isn't well.
I will say a prayer for you hun, keep you in my thoughts and hope all goes well.
You are right life is hard enough without all these worries coming into play. It's a shame really. But I guess it's God's way of making us stronger and learning to appreciate the simpler things.
Writer's Notes
So sorry to hear this! I'm praying that God would watch over Jake and help him and all of you through this! Praying that he will be OK.
Jeanne
Sassy Ink Author
Parent Writer
The Shaw family
Writer's Notes
You, Jacob, and family are more than welcome! I know how helpful prayer can be!
Hang in there and trust God!
Jeanne
Movies and Life
Tracy