JP ShawLiving with Depression
Most days I get up I am happy. No I mean it, I really am. But I also take Celexa which is an anti-depressant which keeps me feeling calm, content and balanced. But even with medication there are days my depression can overwhelm me.
I was diagnosed with chemical depression when I was in my early twenties. I always knew something was wrong because of how I felt inside. Sad and lonely and always feeling as though something just wasn't quite right. I spent years trying to figure it out for myself before finally finding a doctor who diagnosed me.
There are many different kinds of depression. The breakdown for me is that basically my brain is missing a chemical that is needed to control certain emotions and feelings. I am not suicidal, but I spent time thinking about when growing up. But my family and friends kept me pretty well in check and helped me to feel loved and safe in my life. Still, despite the support I received I still suffered in many ways, in many of my relationships with friends and my former spouse which made living daily with depression difficult and sometimes very tiring.
A few years ago my doctor diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. Well now that makes sense, I thought because most days I feel like I'm someone else and yet still me.
Okay not quite a good example of the mood disorder. But discovering I most likely had this disorder from early childhood which often accompanies depression, and going through the various symptoms, which now for me are under control now that I'm an adult. It helped me make sense of the many feelings and thoughts I felt while growing up, why I did certain things to myself, thought certain things. It's amazing the clarity one gets when new information is presented to them.
After more than twenty years of living daily with my mental illness, I've learned many things. I've changed and grown and my coping mechanisms have changed while dealing with this debilitating illness.
So how does suffering from a mood disorder like BPD and Depression affect my parenting skills? How does it affect my marriage? Or my relationship with my friends and family now? Does medication really work? Isn't Depression just being sad all the time?
Oh yeah lots of questions like this get asked whenever I discuss this with someone. So I thought I would try to answer a few--just for fun since it's already 4 am and I have nothing better to do. Who needs sleep?
Depression affects my parenting in many ways on a daily basis. If I take my medication regularly I parent just as normally as any other parent on the planet. Since depression can strike anyone at any time throughout their life, dealing with the emotions and the ups and downs of the mood disorder can be as simple or as difficult as you want it to be. What that means is that for me I know what I am capable of.
Many people say to me "yeah but I suffer from depression and I cannot control my sadness or thoughts of unworthiness or fears running through me. It's not as simple as just being happy." See that's where I disagree.
Everything we think and feel is brain controlled, and although my brain is missing inhibitors which help it function at a more normal regularity and even with the help of my medication to balance that out. I still have to work really hard to be happy by keeping my mind set focused on happy things.
I've had to learn to take things in stride. Not an easy task for many of us on a regular basis. For someone dealing with depression it's twice as difficult. I have a tendancy to focus on the negative. It comes with the territory of having this illness.
I try not to worry about things as best I can though. I try not to allow myself to fall victim to my illness. If I do then I could spiral into an endless journey of never getting out of bed, and well that's just not feasible when you have a two year old calling your name because he wants a cookie.
So how do my kids handle my depression?
I learned early on to talk about my depression. For years I hid my illness from people, refusing to trust communicating with them my thoughts or feelings, fearful they wouldn't understand or they would think I was making it up or just vying for attention because well that seems to be what everyone thinks when someone tells them they suffer with a mental illness but they look normal, act normal and even laugh a lot.
There is a misconception that depression means sad all the time. That it means people with this mental illness are all suicidal or crazy. That just isn't the case. Anyone who has suffered from depression knows that with the feelings comes the innate need to be isolated quite a bit from people because doing so keeps you feeling grounded and safe when things go astray. So yeah trust me when I say attention is NOT what I seek.
Many days I have to force myself to get out of bed. I have to force myself to talk to my friends on the phone or go to a friends house for coffee. DH makes me leave the house to socialize in a group setting which I'm miserable during the prep time before we leave, only later to have enjoyed myself and felt all the more better for it.
But that's how it goes. That is what it's like. And having a strong support system, my husband and children and parents, family and friends has kept me moving through life without allowing this illness to control the happiness I seem so determined to deny myself the pleasure of enjoying.
My children, or at least my eight year old knows mommy gets sad sometimes and for no apparent reason other than the peanut butter on the sandwich didn't go on right, or I hate the look of my thighs in my jeans, or that I'm simply just emotional and needs to have a GIRLIE MOMENT I call it and cry. But that's when I get lots of loveeeeeeeeeeeeee, hugs and kisses from him.
Hiding your illness from your children I believe will only make them feel as though what you are hiding is something to be ashamed of. And there IS NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to feel ashamed of when dealing with disabilities or a mental illness of any kind.
My husband who suffers from disabilities of his own is truly wonderful when it comes to my mood disorder. In fact he's the best medicine, always making me laugh especially when I need it, which by itself is good GO GO juice for me. It doesn't hurt either that part of his disability is forgetting EVERYTHING, so when I freak out, become and anger ball or my mood swings me so far up I'm ready to claw his eyes out for looking at me the wrong way. It's good that he usually forgets my behavior by morning and loves me again.... LOL.
My past relationship wasn't like that however. My ex husband had difficulties in dealing and understanding my depression which made things difficult. He thought he could fix me, make it all better if only I'd concentrate on being happier. And unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
With depression the moods come and go. The swing one way and then they swing another. I can usually feel a mood shift coming before it does. Yet no matter how much I prepare, mediate, focus on other activities. There are times when BANG it comes like lightening in a bottle, unleashing hordes of emotions upon those around me. But trust me when I say it's nothing compared to what I feel inside when going through it.
I'm sure it's difficult for DH sometimes, trying to understand why I'm constantly rearranging the house. My need to spend money or color my hair or change my appearance in order fill some void deep inside of myself that doesn't really exist. Why I sit at the foot of the bed and hug a baby blanket and cry non stop wishing for another child, only to say a few moments later I'm so GLAD we are done and the kids are driving me crazy. Or to tell him I hate my life... OUCH! I know that one must hurt.
The truth is I don't mean to feel the way I do. To say hurtful things or spend time crying over nothing. It's not like I wake up and say "HEY LET'S BE SAD TODAY..." Yeah that sounds like fun....! I have a mental illness and it comes as a part of who I am. I was born with it.
Does my medication really help me? Well... let's just say I call them my happy pills and not taking them is as bad as having my period for an entire year. YUCK! It wasn't always that way though. For years I went med free.
As a single mother raising my son I didn't want to be drugged up. Some medication made me feel that way. Like a zombie all day not knowing who I was or where I was. But after the loss of my child through miscarriage, a ton of stress on my home life and I reconsidered medication and found something that helps work wonders to balance me out.
Medication isn't for everyone. There are many different ways to help deal with depression. My advice on the biggest is talk about it. Tell your friends, family members, kids and anyone else you trust how you feel. Talking about it helps break the barrier of not feeling alone when dealing with your moods.
No matter what you feel. Just know you aren't alone when dealing with depression. You aren't weird or strange. You are not abnormal and what you are feeling all the good and bad is common and shared by many.
Until next time... think happy and be free!
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