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There's a Boogeyman under my Bed.

Okay not actually. I mean I haven't poked my head beneath the bed and physically seen the ugly monster I'm referring to. I'm talking about the things that scare me, which lately seem to come out at night like a ghost waiting in the wings to attack. And last night was no exception. Once again I found myself lying next to my husband, listening to the strange sounds of the house as I desperately tried removing the flashing negativity swirling through my brain long enough so I could close I my eyes and find dreamland.


Anais Nin:

" People living deeply have no fear of death."

I think about it a lot... DEATH. I think about losing my kids, and picture the different ways. I know morbid. I've been a bit of an odd bird. I can't help it though. It just comes, creeping into my brain images of them getting hit by a car, someone taking them, attacking and hurting them. My eight year old falls out of tree and lands to his death. My two year old pokes both his eyes out after falling on the edge of the coffee table. It's the kind of stuff that keeps my eyes wide open and bloodshot the next morning, and something I cannot simply just shove away immediately from minds eye. And I begin to wonder ... HOW DEEPLY AM I REALLY LIVING? Or am I just a ghost in the night haunting myself to death?

Anne Frank:

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature."

This is true. There's no better remedy for the Boogeyman then to go outside and enjoy yourself. Where we live there is a park within our co-op and often I will take the kids. Watching Trace fly down the slides and seeing him climb the stairs for the first time when we were told he wouldn't walk until after his second birthday. It's truly remarkable and forces me to focus on the simple things.

Children are so happy -- without fear. Fear doesn't play a role in their lives when they make decisions. When my son climbs that ladder and stands perched up high above the yellow slide he doesn't worry about falling the way I do. He just closes his eyes and leaps. I think that kind of freedom is something we learn to forget as adults. It's a shame really.

Gay Hendricks:

"One of the first things a relationship therapist learns is that couples argue to burn up energy that could be used for something else. In fact, arguments often serve the purpose of using up energy, so that the couple do not have to take the courageous, creative leap into an unknown they fear. Arguing serves the function of being a zone of familiarity into which you can retreat when you are afraid of making a creative breakthrough."

I'm not quite sure DH would agree that's why we argue over who locked the car keys in the trunk while shopping. But it's true. My days are filled with empty holes to which my creative juices are tired and locked away with anxiety chaining me to a wall.

Taking care of someone sick, someone with disabilities and then having disabilities yourself can cause an illusion of living. Many days I feel I am floating along, not really here. Like a robot without that chip to process my motivation to get my butt off the sofa and exercise, or paint with my kids, or go for that simply walk where the air is so crisp you just know you can't ignore it's goal to help make you feel alive.

Hannah Arendt:

" Fear is an emotion indispensable for survival."

Over ten years ago I got robbed while working in a convenient store. A man walked in with a gun, put it to my temple and asked for all the money. I was scared to death. A customer walked in and startled the robber and he dropped his gun, but not before his words rang through my ears for me to kiss my ($#%@) goodbye.

I use to day dream about getting robbed every day I walked to work. I use to try to remember what the man looked liked. What he wore and said were important, along with my reaction to the situation. I was afraid. To this day I tell people it's funny but getting robbed was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm not longer afraid of guns or people who use them. I suppose it's because I was forced to face that fear of what would happen if the situation ever arose and how would I respond?

I cannot help the survival instincts within myself. Each of us has them. When the boogeyman comes for me, I plan and stradegize the best options for dealing with him. I often dream about someone breaking into my home, coming after our things. I do not worry about our stuff, but my mind plays through each scenario on how to exit the building. Who would grab the baby? Our oldest son? And how would we deal with the situation?

I know it's terrible, the anxiety of something that hasn't yet revealed itself as even a possibility. This is why I don't watch the news. It buggers up my brain and causes DH to grumble while I lay awake poking him because my brain is unable to rest peacefully.

Swedish proverb:

"Worry gives a small thing a big shadow."

This is probably why my BOOGEYMAN scares me. His shadow at times can be HUGE. But I know I'm bigger and stronger. I know life is more worth living then being afraid. I know that I cannot control what lurks in the shadows or around each corner as I continue to thrive in all the blessings I've been given without guilt interfering or the fear of losing it all hindering my mind's creativity and my hearts ability to love openly. I know this. Yet what lurks under the bed can be more terrifying to me than any scary tale I could ever imagine.

Still....

William Allen White:

"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

It's okay to be afraid I suppose. It's just not okay to allow that fear to control your life, let alone your ability to wake up feeling refreshed without feeling as though you haven't rested in a decade. I need to ask my BOOGEYMAN over for coffee, face him with a bright smile and an enthusiastic awareness that he is a guest in my mind and I can refuse to visit him if I want to because I have better things to do--like enjoying my life.

JP Shaw

When your BOOGEYMAN visits what fears does he bring? What makes you feel afraid?
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My 5 hour writing project...

So as I'm editing my book waiting to hear from Harlequin saying they will indeed purchase my manuscript. I decided to play around with some publicity for the novel. A friend of mine just created a book trailer to promote her book. I thought this was a great idea. It's usually the book cover that causes me to stop and pause to read the back jacket. If I like a cover I will take a further peek. It's also the same for me when I watch a trailer for a movie. If I don't like the trailer I often will wait for the movie to hit the dvd stores. If I like the trailer I want to see the movie.

Anyhow this is my first attempt at a book trailer. Tell me what you think


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Living with Depression



Most days I get up I am happy. No I mean it, I really am. But I also take Celexa which is an anti-depressant which keeps me feeling calm, content and balanced. But even with medication there are days my depression can overwhelm me


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Update on Zoose

My friend's furry little pup has been found! The car was found a few blocks from where it was stolen and a very hungry and tired Zoose was inside it. Who says good things don't happy to good people who hope....

Glad you're home Zoose and feeling better


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Dog Knapped!

How sad is it that you can no longer leave the house and head out to a market to pick up a few things, or go to a doctors appointment and take your furry friend with you for a ride. If you do take your canine friend with you BEWARE because it could be the last time you see them.

My girlfriend called me all upset, tears in her voice. Her mother had been out for the day in the car and her car was stolen. How horrible I thought. Cars do get stolen all the time, but it's never a nice feeling to have someone steal yours


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Thank God for Children's Hospital...

Well we ventured into Children's Hospital again, and I have to say I was very well behaved (SIDE SEAT driving) at least. I was more relaxed and comfortable on the roads going in, despite the cold snow blowing at mock speed across our windshield at 10am while we headed into Vancouver.

We got to Children's at around 11am and went straight to daycare surgery. Trace had fun playing in the play area set up for all the kids getting ready to have their stuff done. And I was amazed at how well behaved all the kids were actually--especially since all of them hadn't eaten a thing since midnight before hand (Trace included


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Cap It! Side Seat Driving must Stop...

"CAP IT, JODI!" DH says to me for like the tenth time while behind the wheel of our Plymouth Acclaim, heading east into Vancouver. It's his polite way of telling me to SHUT UP! to which I should take offense, but cannot because I know I'm driving him insane. I cannot help it though.

We left the house at 9am in the morning made our usual stop at Timmy's before hitting the highway. Our destination--CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL and SUNNY HILL for kids. Trace had an appointment today with the doctor, standard procedure before day surgery


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Summer Family Fun: Start Planning Now

e-falls
E-falls outside Qualicum


Being Prepared Makes Room for Enjoyment on a Family Vacation.

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Jake's Going to be Okay

Well I am a happy mom today. We got the results back from Jake's cat scan and there was no tumor behind his breast bone. Apparently he has a condition (normal) in some children, especially those who are athletic such as Jake where as they grow the breast bone can become pigeon breasted and stick out. There is no tenderness, his Thymus was normal and he is on antibiotics for the inflammation which the doctor assumes is due to all the infections our guy has had lately.

All in all Jake is going to be okay. The doctors will monitor his growth and check back in a few months where he will go to Children's Hospital for another scan to make sure he's growing normally, but the bottom line is no Cancer and no Tumors. THANK GOD


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Shopping can be dangerous

Okay, so I haven't posted in a few days. The past week has been been totally hectic with waiting for Jake's test results to come back, Trace's ortho appointment which we found out he does indeed need special shoes and orthodics to help straighten out his knees. We are busy planning Trace's birthday for next weekend, mixed with rearranging our home, and me finding time to edit my book.

I needed a shop day


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